Fill Me Up

With white brief on, he opens the door for me
Letting me in, filling me with ecstasy
I turn away not wanting him to look through me,
afraid he will catch my sparks, my fear, my loneliness

“How old are you?” he asks
“Twenty seven” I answer

“Walking in the snowy street
Let me understand
Drifting down a silent park
Stumbling over land
Open up your heart to me
Show me who you are
And I would be your slave”

He then lit it
and I start inhaling it
White gas so sweet
Tasted like sex, like love…
It tasted familiar

I suck his body, I suck his mind, I want to suck his sorrow, I want to suck his journey, his cock
I want to suck every inch of him and more.
More.

“Slowly..” he says.
and I keep sucking

I heard Milly's voice in the back of my head...
"Pick 5 cards out of the stack!"I hesitate. She smiles."One, Two, Three, Four..."
"Five."

“Slowly..” he repeats

I keep sucking.

I don’t want to let go, I have breath of a thousand year.
I suck on everything he has and had
Keep them all inside, very deep inside

“Do you sleep in quietude?
Do you walk in peace?
Do you laugh out loud at me?
No one else that is free
Open up your heart to me
Show me all you are
And I would be your slave”

“You did it like a pro” he says
“It's only because I feel safe".
There is no time for fear, only gratitude for those who treat me kindly

For this hour, I have him all inside me, keep him for myself.
Through my throat, he slides down into my lungs, my vein,
Through my shoulder blades,
To systematically flood my bloodstream.
I has him for this hour.

“I don't sit around and wait
I don't give a damn
I don't see the point at all
No footprints in the sand”

He leads me into the room,I make love to him this hour.
I open up, am ready to be bent,
To be folded, to be shaped.
I am ready to be moulded.
Once again

"A good year a head of you"
"A stranger"
"A soulmate... will freshen your rotten soul" Milly's voice revisits me
"A constant battle"
"Romance or finance.."
"One or the other, you choose"
"All your life"
"Sorry"

“You feels like a virgin” he whispers
“I’m glad to be your virgin”
We both melts into one.
As I have all of him inside me, filling me up
I see colors, I hear rhymes, I taste toffee

“Don’t let my boyfriend know”
As the door behind me closed

I was intoxicated by him that hour, and nothing by the Ice

“I bet you laugh out loud at me
A chance to strike me down
Give me peace of mind at last
Show me all you are
Open up your heart to me
And I would be your slave"

"I don't sit and waitI don't give a damn
I don't see the point at all
No footprints in the sand
I would give you all my love
Nothing else is free
Open up your heart to meAnd I would be your slave”


HAPPY NEW YEAR 2007

Resignation

I am hereby tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided that I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonalds and think it is a four star restaurant.
I want to sail lolly-ice sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make stepping-stones with rocks.
I want to think that M&M's are better than money because I can eat them.

I want to return to a time when life was simple,
When all that I knew were colours, multiplication tables and nursery rhymes, and it didn't bother me, because I didn't know what I didn't know and I didn't care.

All I knew was happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worry or upset.

I want to think that the world is fair.
I want to believe that every one is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited about the little things again.

I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, bitchiness and back-stabbing, gossip, misunderstanding, simple words and actions being misinterpreted.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, of hugs and of a kind word or deed.
I want to believe in trust.
I want to believe in truth.
I want to believe in justice.
I want to believe in peace.
I want to believe in dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.

So … here is my chequebook, my credit card and my bills, take my phone … I am officially resigning from adulthood.

If you want to discuss it further, you will have to catch me first, becauseTAG! Your it!


With kind regards,
Henners

How Much?

Somebody once asked me.
"How much do you love me?"
I said "This much."
And stretched out my arms as far as they would go.
"Is that all?" They said.
So I stretched further, expanding my chest and reaching as far as I could.
But still this wasn't enough for them.
Once again I stretched, this time so far back that my knuckles met behind me.
At this point my skin began to split, my ribs began to crack, my chest tore open, my heart burst out and fell to the floor.
We both looked at it as it became cooler and cooler ...
And more still and more still ...
Until finally it was cold and dead.

To Whom It May Concerns,

Your hands tied the times bind.
By rules and regulations you can abide.
Changing rules to suit their needs,
Lack of standards, morals.

What's good for one is only that,
No longer is it good for all.
The world is rushed,
No time to think, just get it done.

If the task at hand, is understood,
Then this means all is well and good.
When time must be spent to teach.
Nurture and mold, teach calmly, proper.

Guide your employees to a path of success.
Not let them lead and pull you down a road of destruction.
With your rushed and hurried ways,
You indicate lack of concern and care.
Letting them turn our words against us.

Allowing from one but not another,
They recall it all, reminding you of what you did.
So you bow your head in shame and concede.
The error is taken in stride now, no matter by who.
Soon there is nothing you can do.

Amongst yourselves you bicker and quarrel.
With one showing a lack of concern
Overstepping the rest, overruling the nest.
Never hesitating to say, you must see it my way,
Unless it is I who does the deciding
Then of course I must be right.

With discouraged words we all will hurt,
Soon there will be no smiles, no strive, no desires,
Tension and tears will soon appear.
Apparent to all
Diminishing Moral.

With this I leave you to decide.
Constructive Criticism and discipline can save your hide
But if it's destructive it will ruin the ride.
Soon others will go and you'll be alone to choose,
Are you right now, when you have no one to rule?

I Just Wasn't Made for These Times (Brian Wilson)

I keep looking for a place to fit where I can speak my mind,
I've been trying hard to find people that I won't leave behind,

They say I got brains,
but they ain't doing me no good,
I wish they could

Each time things start to happen again
I think I got something good goin' for myself
But what goes wrong?

Sometimes I feel very sad
Sometimes I feel very sad
Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into

Sometimes I feel very sad
Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into
I guess I just wasn't made for these times

Every time I get the inspiration to go change things around,
No one wants to help me look for places where new things might be found,
Where can I turn when my fair weather friends cop out?
What's it all about?

Each time things start to happen again
I think I got something good goin' for myself
But what goes wrong?

Sometimes I feel very sad
Sometimes I feel very sad
Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into

Sometimes I feel very sad
Can't find nothin' I can put my heart and soul into
I guess I just wasn't made for these times

Lonely Person

Someone told me, I should stop being depressed. I don't agree with him. I'm not depressed. I'm just a lonely person looking for some way to connect with other people. Just like any other human beings. Any human beings I know that is.

You see, we have dreams in our lives and we are constantly moving in that direction. Sometimes, eventually, we are lucky enough to get there. We get there, and we're alone. And we're lonely. After we're miserable enough, we destroy our lovely nest and force ourselves back into the larger world. And so it goes. Alone. Together. Alone. Together.

If you're reading this, you know this cycle. Surfing on the net, browsing and reading other people's junk is not a group activity. Not like going to a movie or concert. This is the lonely end of the spectrum.
Same goes to me. I write only when I'm lonely. So chances are, most of my writings are kinda depressing.

We have all the sleazy chatrooms, beats, telephone sex lines, illness support groups. All these places are, I believe, schools for learning how to tell a story effectively. Out loud. To people. Not just to look for ideas, but how to perform at the same time.

We live our lives according to stories. About being Chinese, being Malay or being Indian. About working hard or bumming around. Being gay or straight, male or female. And we spend our lives looking for evidence, facts and proof, that support our story.
And why do we feel the need to do so? Because we are lonely. We need to feel connected with people.

Someone asked me why do I look depressed most of the time.I told him, because being depressed is cool and it makes me feel more human.

Elliot Smith (In Memory)

'Drink up baby, stay up all night
The things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be, that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up baby with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
Do what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head'

The song stuck in my head for days, I heard it when I took a night walk, when I lied on bed, when I was drunk and even when I took the daily crap. As if, he knew how I felt. I was, I still am, on the verge of throwing up from the whole boring routine one can possibly attached to. I need something new, something exciting, something that can make me goes "Bitching!!"

Last night, I got pissed drunk for 'God knows how many times'. The cheap wine really kicked in, especially when you combine it with empty tummy. It's the first time I started drinking when the sun is still up since ages. I felt great. Alcohol always relaxes me, without fail.

Anyway, few hours later, I still continued sipping my drinks, only now I was amongst the 'Muscle Maries' and the 'Banci Salon'. The view and the attitude bored me so I started hitting the empty dance floor, with a ciggie on my right and booze on my left. The dance floor felt so cold. The ray of lights made me dizzy, the music began to hurt my ears. I could sensed all eyes staring at me. Stares so sharp it cuts my self-esteem into six. I closed my eyes and forced myself to keep on moving my legs, my limbs, my whole body, trying to ignore them. Suddenly, the music faded and I heard some familiar voice appearing.

'Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars where I'm seeing you
There with your hands in the air, waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
Where I like you the best and keep things you forgot'

Suddenly I could sense a body moving besides me, I opened my eyes unwillingly and a guy with familiar look smiling at me. Elliot!! Fuck no. It's my ex, Mattie.

"Hey babe, how are you?" he said.
I smiled and offered him my drink and closed my eyes back.

"Drink up baby stay up all night, the things you could do, you won't but you might..."
He began to sing along with me.
"It's so sad isn't it?" he cut suddenly.
I was kinda upset.
"What's so sad?"
"Elliot!"
"What about Elliot?"
"He killed himself, don't you know that?"
"What?? You kidding me, aren't you?"
"It was on the news few weeks ago. He stabbed himself on the chest."
After that, everything kinda swirled and moved around.
Then, blank.
Blank.
Still blank.

"You know I miss you..."
"Huh? What?"
Big pause.
"Up yours, Matt!"
Another pause.

Then I felt my arms being pulled away.
It was Lola.
"Let's go home dear."
So I followed.

'People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still'

INTRODUCTION

I'm here in attempt to restore my boring pathetic life at the moment. I'm not here to suggest on how we all can make this world any better place to live in. NO!! I'm here only to kill my boredom and only that.

I've tried the 'Duff Duff' scene, the internet 'Lonely Heart' column, the sleazy 'Lick My Armpit' chatroom in attempt to kill times and meet more people. None of them seem to work.

So here I am, having too much coffee and cigarrettes and start joining this 'wasting time' blog thingy. I choose this over those sleepless night I had with stacks of pirated VCDs and DVDs or crap 'No nightmare, please' local cable TV programmes.